Baby steps

Hello All,
OK, I've never done this before. I am really private so it's a big deal that I have started a blog about my weight loss, Yikes.. I think, no I know this could be really good for me. This is not just a journey of weight loss, but a journey of the mind, of the heart, of my strength, of my perseverence, and of my  patience. Of course, weight loss could not come fast enough for me, ah ha.  My journey started many years ago, I can't even remember when, but it's one I am very familiar with. I have started many times, struggled, had some success, and gave up too many times to count. This is such a personal and difficult subject for me to talk about because there's a lot of shame, fear, and pain involved. And today, I am so tired, so sick and tired of starting and failing.
 From the time I got married 8 years ago, I had lost 30 pounds and managed to keep that off for a while. Then I gained 10 pounds and have struggled to loose those 10 pounds and the remaining 60-70 pounds. I started my very last attempt at this  loosing weight business and getting fit 3 short months ago. To date, I've lost 25 pounds and I am at my lowest weight since 17 years ago.  But lord knows, this is just the begining. It's really been a lifelong struggle. Lucky for me I've always loved to excercise, it has been my G-D send! My problem has always been the food part, which just happens to be the most important part. Experts say that weight loss is 10% excercise, 10% genetics, and 80% food intake!Let me be very clear  I love food, I love to cook food and I especially love to eat it. ah h   Eating right can be so challenging at times. But I just need to be mindful of the choices I make because they are not always good choices or healthy choices.
So many times I just want to give up. This is so damn hard. I work so hard, I excercise 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day, not because I'm obsessed, but because I genuinely love to excercise. It's a great outlet, it makes me feel strong not just physcially but mentally, and it's fun! I feel so alive and happy after I've worked out. I've realized over the years that I am my worst enemy and harshest critic. I weigh myself every 3 weeks and at my last weigh in, I lost 2 pounds. Only 2 crappy pounds, ah ha.  I know, I know, I should be happy that I lost weight, and I was, sordove.  I worked so hard those 3 weeks and I was hoping for 5 or 6 pounds. It really upset and frusterated me. I went to bed that night and realized that I was working against myself with all these not so positive thoughts.  I am genuinely a happy optimistic person but when it comes to my weight loss, I'm very, very hard on myself.  I started to examine my diet portion of the previous 3 weeks and realized it wasn't so perfect. It wasn't bad, but not where it should have been. There were days where I didn't eat enough calories to sustain all the calories I was burning and I felt my body literally work against me. I should know better. I need to eat right not just to loose weight, but to keep me energized and ready for my workouts. Then of course there were days when I ate things I shouldnt have eaten. But still, I think I worked out so, so much that  it shouldnt have mattered that I had some bad days.  Then, I told myself to shut up and be grateful that I lost 2 pounds :)!!!
So, as you can see, I definitely have my moments.. I don't take myself too seriously and I laugh at myself often because I have to.  Thanksgiving wasn't too bad but I did allow myself a few free days. And yes I felt horrible but I kept up with my workouts which helped a little.. Tomorrow is a new week and Im hopeful. My weigh in is this Friday, so we'll see.  I  know it isn'y just about the numbers, but it is.. It isnt as if I need to loose 10 pounds ya know?  This is about a lot of weight and I need to OWN those numbers. Its important to me that I embrace my weight and accept the numbers I see on that damn scale, but not be controlled by it. I'm sensible enough to know about muscle weighing more than fat and that sometimes I will gain muscle and not loose weight - and I'm cool with that. But I'm even cooler when I see the numbers on the scale going down and my jeans becoming a tad looser. Since my goal is to loose another 50 pounds, I figure 7-8  months is plenty of time to accomplish that goal. I'm hoping I can do it sooner without killing myself. I've honestly never been this consistent and I've told myself every morning when I wake up ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! here I go, baby steps.. Easy, easy.. Be kind and gentle with yourself Nama...I'll blog sometime in the next week..  So, I wish everyone a great week, a successful week, and a productive week!